


You either die a villain or live long enough to have a(n almost) normal life

by grievingcain



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Gen, Implied Relationships, Post-Series, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 18:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12415539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grievingcain/pseuds/grievingcain
Summary: Someone has been stealing Takasugi's yakult.[Written for BanTaka Week Day 4 - Family/Kiheitai]





	You either die a villain or live long enough to have a(n almost) normal life

**Author's Note:**

> I refuse to use the "Everybody lives/Nobody dies" tag bc the "Canon Divergence" tag already does the job without hurting my feelings.
> 
> Anyways, I really liked this one, I hope it's fun to read!!

“Which one of you has been drinking my yakult?” Shinsuke asked when all four of them were sitting at the table, ready to start eating the lunch carefully prepared by Takechi.

“It's not me, I’m lactose intolerant.” Bansai said.

“Not me, I would never steal anything from you, Shinsuke-sama.” Matako said.

“I’m afraid it’s not me either, I don’t like how yakult tastes.” Takechi said.

“Well, there’s gotta be someone because yesterday when I went to bed there were ten in the fridge. When I woke up this morning there was only five. Someone’s been stealing my yakult.”

“Maybe you sleepwalked and drank them during night?” Bansai suggested.

“Bansai, you of all people would know if I sleepwalked.”

Matako blushed, knowing what Shinsuke’s words were implying.

“Maybe one of us is sleepwalking then.” He said. “But it can’t be me, I would have diarrhea if I had drank that.”

“Ew, Bansai-senpai, don’t talk about this kind of thing when we’re eating!” Matako reprimanded him.

“It can’t be me either. As I said, I find yakult disgusting.” Takechi said, ignoring the girl’s words.

“That’s not what you said, and how dare you insult the best drink ever created by mankind!” Shinsuke shouted.

“Well, then the only one who could have drank your yakult is Matako.” Bansai said.

“No way, I would never—”

“You would never steal from Shinsuke while you’re awake, but the situation changes if you’re unconscious.”

“My unconscious self would never steal from Shinsuke-sama either!” Matako refuted.

“We can’t know for sure.” Bansai said.

“Oh, I see. You’re trying too hard to pin the blame on me, aren’t you? I bet it’s you who’s been drinking Shinsuke-sama’s yakult and this whole lactose intolerance talk is bullshit!”

“Do you want to read my latest medical reports?” Bansai asked.

Matako pouted in annoyance.

“You can tell me, Matako.” Takasugi started. “I won’t be mad. We just need to start buying more yakult so we both would have enough.”

“Shinsuke-sama, it wasn’t me, I swear! I don’t even like yakult!”

“Then who was it?” Takasugi asked. He seemed to be starting to get angry. “Yakult can’t simply disappear from night to day, someone has stolen it!”

“Shinsuke-dono, are you sure you didn’t drink them and forgot about it? Or maybe you were drunk last night and was seeing double and mistook five for ten.”

“I wasn’t drunk last night!” Shinsuke refuted. “There were ten and I didn’t drink any of them!”

“Are you certain of that, Shinsuke-dono?”

“Of course I am! I’m too young to start going senile!”

“Takechi-senpai on the other hand is already old enough, so maybe he was the one who drank it and forgot about it.” Matako said.

“I’m not that old.” Takechi replied. “And I don’t like yakult.”

“That’s what you say but how can we be sure?”

“That’s also what _you_ said, Matako-san.”

“I said I would never steal from Shinsuke-sama! Ever!”

“Really? You’re the most suspicious out of all of us since you’ve always had an unrequited crush on Shinsuke-dono. Maybe you’ve been stealing his things to keep in a shrine inside your wardrobe like girls do nowadays with their idols and the boys they like.”

“Takechi-senpai!” Matako yelled, blushing intensely. “I’ve gotten over this phase years ago! I don’t have a crush on Shinsuke-sama anymore! I even have a girlfriend now!”

“Wait a minute, are you implying that you have gone through a phase where you used to steal my things to keep in a shrine in your wardrobe?” Shinsuke asked, seemingly interested.

“What? N-No, of course not! I would never—”

“Speaking of, Shinsuke,” Bansai interrupted her. “Do you remember that time you accused me of stealing your _shamisen_? I told you it wasn’t me.” Bansai said.

“So it was Matako?” Shinsuke asked.

“What—I didn’t—Dammit, Takechi-senpai, this is all your fault!”

“This wouldn’t have happened if you simply admitted you stole Shinsuke-dono’s yakult.”

“But I didn’t! I told you I got over this phase! And why would I’ve stolen his yakult of all things, it’d make more sense if I stole the bottles after he’d drank from them!”

“Matako, are you implying you used to keep empty bottles of yakult I’ve drank from?”

“No!” She yelled, defensively. “I’m just saying that would make more sense!”

“Either way, Shinsuke, last night’s bottles were still full, so she wouldn’t have any reason to keep them anyway.” Bansai said.

“Right!” Matako agreed. “I mean, not that I would have kept them after you drank the yakult, I’ve been clean for years, I swear!”

“So we’re back to zero.” Takasugi said. “Look, I’ll give you all one more chance to admit your crime without any consequences besides buying me more yakult. So the innocent can close their eyes and only the culprit shall keep them open, I will talk with them in private after lunch and nobody else will need to now.”

Bansai, Takechi and Matako instantly stopped eating their food and closed their eyes. Shinsuke waited for about thirty seconds for one of them to open them, but nothing happened.

“Alright,” Shinsuke said.

All of them opened their eyes and Shinsuke got up from his place, leaving his half eaten food on his plate.

“Bansai, I’ll be checking your room. Takechi, I’ll be checking yours too and I hope I don’t find any kind of illicit pornography in there. Matako… I’ll give you one more chance since you’re a girl but if you don’t admit it I’ll call Mutsu to check your room, and you better let her or I will tell her about the whole shrine in the wardrobe story.”

“Shinsuke-sama, that’s not fair!” She shouted.

“And I don’t know what you mean with illicit pornography, I don’t own any kind of pornography. I’m a feminist.” Takechi said.

“Feel free to check whatever you like,” Bansai said calmly as he sipped his glass of water.

“Good, I’m gonna start now.”

 

xxx

 

A week later the culprit was yet to be caught and more yakult had disappeared from the Kiheitai’s fridge. Shinsuke started to keep a personal fridge inside his room so he could keep his yakult safe. But they noticed other kinds of food and drinks had been disappearing, what left all of them actually concerned.

By the end of an afternoon, when Takechi was finishing his weekly cleaning, he showed up in the veranda where Shinsuke was lazily resting while smoking his _kiseru_ , Bansai was playing his shamisen, and Matako was smiling to her phone, probably exchanging messages with her girlfriend.

“Shinsuke-dono, Bansai-dono, Matako-san,” He started. All three of them stopped what they were doing to look at him. “There is a homeless man camping in one of our spare rooms.”

“What?!” Takasugi shouted, getting up in a jump. “Did you chase him out?”

“No. He was sleeping, I thought it wouldn’t be polite.” Takechi replied, calmly.

“What the hell?”

“I daresay I agree. Waking up a man is a horrible thing to do.”

“You can’t just leave an invader sleeping in one of our spare rooms because you took pity on him!” Shinsuke said.

“And he must be the one stealing our food!” Matako said.

“He looked harmless so I thought I should come here and talk to you about it before making any harsh move.”

“Let’s kick him out!” Shinsuke spoke already starting to walk back inside the house. “Which room is it?”

“The one in the end of the hallway.” Takechi replied.

All four of them made their way towards the room Takechi indicated.

When they arrived, Shinsuke bluntly opened the door and looked inside the room.

What he saw was a rather… unusual view. A man slept soundly on a mattress made of cardboard boxes flattened on the mat. There was a pair of sunglasses resting by the man’s side, and a lot of empty plastic packages spread around the room. Looking closely, Shinsuke could pinpoint, mixed in the pile of trash, many empty bottles of yakult.

“He’s the culprit! He’s the one who’s been stealing my yakult! I’ll kill him!”

“Wait, Shinsuke!” Bansai said, holding Takasugi with his arms under the man’s armpits. “No need to use violence, we can just ask for him to leave, I daresay.”

The man seemed to notice the noise around him and soon opened his eyes and sat up. Looking around, he finally stared at the four people standing on the doorway.

“Huh… Hello?” He said, smiling awkwardly.

“‘Hello’ my ass! Get out of my house!” Shinsuke yelled angrily.

The man seemed paralyzed for a second and then his eyes opened widely and his jaw dropped.

“Y-You are t-that famous terrorist, S-Shinsuke Takasugi, a-aren’t you?”

“That’s right! Did you think it was a good idea to invade my house?”

“Please spare me! I'm only here because my wife kicked me out again—!”

"That's not my problem is it?"

"So Gintoki said—"

"Gintoki?" Shinsuke stopped struggling to free himself from Bansai's arms and stared down at the man. "What does Gintoki have to do with this? Did he send you here? Who are you?"

"M-My name is Hasegawa I was living inside his wardrobe for a while then he found me and told me he had this rich friend with a big house and that I could stay there and nobody would notice and he gave me your address please don’t kill me," He said without making any pause to breath.

"I should have killed that idiot when I had the chance! Bansai let me go!”

"You're too riled up, Shinsuke."

"Of course I'm riled up! There's someone stealing my stuff and it's Gintoki's fault! Get off of me! I'm going to _kabuki-cho_ to settle things with that perm-headed waste of space right now!"

Still a little hesitant, Bansai let Shinsuke go and Shinsuke didn't lose any second before starting to walk in fast paces to his room to fetch his katana before leaving the house.

With Shinsuke gone, the other three had their attention back on their guest/invader, whose eyes expressed absolute relief for not having Shinsuke Takasugi around anymore.

"You have to leave, I daresay.” Bansai said. “We already have our own good for nothing jobless man who lives at our costs, we can't keep two.”

“And we owe him our lives so we can’t exchange him for a new one.” Takechi completed.

"Alright,” The man said in a sad tone. He picked up his sunglasses and put them on, and then got up to leave the room. The other three gave him space to pass through the doorway and escorted him outside the house.

While they stood at the doorstep looking at the man walking away, Matako spoke for the first time in the past minutes.

“Senpai, who were you talking about? Do we have our own good for nothing man living at our costs? Who’s that?”

“Shinsuke.”

Matako opened his mouth, ready to yell at Bansai for daring to talk about _Shinsuke-sama_ like that but she soon closed it again.

But before she could say any thing, she thought about how their lives had been since they settled in that house.

Shinsuke didn't have a job. Shinsuke has _never_ had a job. Shinsuke rarely helped with house stuff.

It was all true.

“Well,” she said. “It's kinda like having a cat, I guess.”


End file.
